The Roommate Survival Guide
Setting ground rules and talking through problems can ease the conflicts of living with a roommate.
By Maura Judkis, graduate, George Washington University
Roommate tension can be devastatingly stressful to a college student, but it’s all too common: 70% of students in a Student Health 101 survey said that they had experienced difficulties getting along with a roommate, and 23% said that their roommate friction was so bad they had to move out, or at least considered it. On the positive side, 85% said that most of their roommate experiences have been good, and 82% said that they got along better with roommates after they talked to them about their disputes.
That was the case for Matt K. when he was a freshman at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. By talking problems out, he was able to improve an unbearable roommate situation. Matt lived in a “triple” with two other roommates, and they clashed over “everything from completely opposite sleep cycles to inviting people to play beer pong in the room while I was in bed with a 104-degree fever, moaning ‘please don’t yell so loud.’”
Matt says he and his roommates avoided conflict for a while, until things got out of hand. “One of my roommates had a particularly late night with some random girl in our room, and my other roommate [Charlie] and I started talking frankly about how annoying he was getting.” says Matt. So they confronted the problem roommate about his behaviour. “He agreed to try to tone things down,” he says. “Because we worked as a team in talking to him, it was certainly less difficult than doing it alone.”
Matt and Charlie forged a close friendship after confronting the other roommate, but they had troubles, too, in the beginning: “Charlie was originally doing the same kinds of things—having loud gatherings in the room in the middle of school nights, being passive-aggressive about lifestyle things, and making our room an unwelcoming place to live overall. But I think that once he had the same thing happening to him, Charlie was able to see himself in my position.”
Though their third roommate eventually moved in with other friends, Matt and Charlie lived together the following year and remain friends to this day because they worked through their disagreements.
Go Over Expectations Early On
Students polled by Student Health 101 said their top three roommate problemswere cleanliness issues, difficultycommunicating, and differences insleep habits. Obviously, roommatesare going to have these differences,but how can students keep themfrom snowballing into a series ofconstant battles? The two most
important factors in a good roommate relationship are setting expectations and being a good communicator.
“When students first move in, they should have open discussions about study hours, music, and friends staying over with their roommate,” says Sylvia Cholodnuik, Manager of Residences at the University of Saskatchewan. “General lifestyle choices should be open for discussion so there are no surprises. This year, our students living in shared rooms have to sign a roommate contract with suggested areas of discussion and, if they disagree, what the method of communication is going to be.”
One way to do that is through a roommate agreement. Your RA may ask you and your roommate to fill out a contract setting boundaries about issues that typically strain relations: music, parties, guests of the opposite sex, cleanliness, and borrowing each other’s things. You might set up a schedule for cleaning the room and especially the bathroom. Don’t ignore this paper—it can help you maintain the peace later on.
Many schools ask you to draft your own roommate agreement. If your school is one of them, consider addressing these issues, which often strain roommate relations:
• Do you plan to do your studying in the room or in the library? Will there be designated study hours in the room?
• Are you a morning person or a night person?
• How much notice will be given for overnight guests? How long are they permitted to stay?
• How will chores be divvied up? How important is cleanliness to you?
• Are you willing to share food? Will you split the cost of groceries?
• Can you borrow each other’s things? Should you ask before borrowing?
• Do you plan to host parties?
• Should you ask permission before playing music?
A Roommate Doesn’t Have to Be a Best Friend
Students should also be mindful of their own expectations—a problem that Loni Slade encountered at Memorial University of Newfoundland. “One of our roommates would never help with cleaning and chores, so the other three of us politely confronted her to ask for help. We stated that we felt it was unfair for us to have to do all of the work while she watched TV all day and partied at night. After the confrontation, she started to help with housework, and the rest of us stopped resenting her previous attitude. I would definitely tell anyone experiencing anything similar to not be afraid to speak up, right away.”
If things do get strained, the best thing you can do is talk to your roommate. It sounds obvious, but it’s a step most students skip. “Students tend to vent to their friends first, instead of confronting their roommate. When this happens, the situation may escalate as friends don't always have an objective view of the situation,” notes Sarah Van Osch, General Manager of Centennial College’s Residence Centre in Toronto. “Some students are afraid to offend others; some people think that by not talking things out, things will somehow work out. In order for roommates to get along well, they need to trust each other, and some people may have difficulty trusting others when they've known the person no longer than a few weeks or months.”
Cholodnuik adds that, “many people like to avoid conflict, and students are no exception. We try to help students develop communications skills.”
Getting Outside Help
Of course, not all roommate disputes can be resolved easily. Both Van Osch and Cholodnuik agree that students should ask for an RA’s help if they’ve talked to their roommate and the situation isn’t getting any better, or if the roommate refuses to communicate. Most situations can be resolved without a room switch if both parties truly make an effort.
Overall, you should come into a roommate situation with an open mind, and be ready to learn from someone different from yourself. “A student's ability to cope with others in a responsible manner, with reason, will demonstrate a higher lever of maturity,” says Van Osch
MAURA JUDKIS IS A GRADUATE OF THE GEORGE WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY AND CURRENTLY A WEB PRODUCER WITH U.S. NEWS AND WORLD REPORT.
Find Out More
Click for great ideas on setting expectations with new roommates.
Click for more great roommate tips from McGill University.
Click for more roommmate tips from Residence Life at Concordia University.
