The parent pop quiz

Helpful, hands-off, or helicopter?

By Lucy Berrington, MS

Is your parent or guardian helpful, hands-off, or helicopter? And what effect is that having on your college or university experience? Take our quiz, track your score, and click on the result for info and resources. Also check out students’ stories of parenting hits and misses.

Disclaimer: Expectations and norms around parenting, and the relationships between parents and their adult children, differ across cultures. In addition, parents and families have widely divergent access to relevant skills and resources influencing parenting styles and levels of involvement.

1. What do they say when they drop you off at school?

A: Drop me off—are you kidding? I got myself here.
B: “I can’t believe we have to work with that hippy professor this semester.”
C: “I’m just a phone call away, honey.”

2. What do they send you in the mail?

A: Three perfect papers meeting your assignment requirements, starched and pressed.
B: The Ultimate Student Guide to Student Stuff.
C: Invoices for your tuition and 18 years of groceries.

3. What happens when they come see you for dinner?

A: They take you for a delicious meal and spend the whole evening saying they’re proud of you, with a brief nudge to dab the sauce off your chin.
B: They follow you to your grimy student kitchen and stand there looking hungry and expectant.
C: They bring a whole semester’s worth of homemade meals ready to be frozen, and then thawed, at your convenience.

4. What happens to your laundry?

A: Your parent drives 90 km a week to bring you pristine bed linens and a batch of new outfits, including your underwear (ironed and folded).
B: You wear everything two or three times then eventually drag it to the laundromat.
C: When you call your guardian, they explain with endless patience what washing machines are for and where to put the coins.

5. When you don’t get the grade you think you deserve, what happens?

A: You finally get hold of your folks, and they mention that your hometown Blisterin’ Burgers still has an opening.
B: They encourage you to make an appointment with your professor to discuss what went wrong and how to address it next time.
C: You attend a high-powered meeting in a nearby skyscraper with a team of their top lawyers, to which your professor has been summoned.

6. At your graduation, you expect them to…

A: Show up on time, have clean hair, and applaud in the right places.
B: Have a limo drive you all up to the stage, then accompany you to the podium, modestly acknowledging the applause.
C: Attend Uncle Eli’s barbecue instead. It’s been arranged for weeks.

Add up your score

A=1, B=3, C=2
A=3, B=2, C=1
A=2, B=1, C=3
A=3, B=1, C=2
A=1, B=2, C=3
A=2, B=3, C=1

The hands-off parent

If you scored 6–9, your parent or guardian seems pretty hands-off. You’ve likely been prepping your own dinner and attending your own parent-teacher conferences since 2005.

This is a lighthearted quiz and not diagnostic. For some families in some situations, hands-off parenting can work. But if you’ve experienced parental neglect, you’re not alone: Neglect is the most common form of child maltreatment reported to Canadian social workers, according to a 2003 study in Child Abuse and Neglect.

Growing up with uninvolved parents can lead to anxiety and stress, delayed social and emotional maturity, academic struggles, and/or substance abuse. Recovery involves building your resilience skills.

When you could use support, consider reaching out to your campus counseling center or clergy.

Resilience tools: Canadian Mental Health Association

The helpful parent

If you scored 10–13, you may be one of the lucky ones: Your parent or guardian is helpful. They strike the balance between supporting you and promoting your independence.

Not surprisingly, supportive relationships between parents and their adult children are linked to well-being and health and may predict how well students adjust during their first year at university, according to a 2000 study conducted by researchers at York University.

Some tension between parents and their adult children is typical, but many families are able to work toward mutual understanding and solutions, according to a 2009 study. “Avoidance doesn’t work as a strategy for dealing with conflicts. It appears to make things worse,” said lead researcher Dr. Kira Birditt of the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research.

Worksheet for resolving family conflict: Clemson University

The helicopter parent

If you scored 14–18, you appear to have a helicopter parent or guardian. That might feel OK when they’re doing your laundry, but not when they’re choosing your major. “We have students that show up in September that are completely wrecked. Instead of looking forward to going to university, they are completely nervously run down because their parents overshadowed their every move,” said Andreas Decken, Assistant Dean of Science at the University of New Brunswick, in a 2013 interview with CBCNews.

Among college and university students, helicopter parenting is associated with higher levels of depression, suggests a 2013 study in the Journal of Child and Family Studies.

But the evidence is mixed. Helicopter parenting is uncommon, according to the US National Survey of Student Engagement, 2009. And although grown children who received intense support from their parents perceived it as too much, they also reported better psychological adjustment and life satisfaction, in a 2012 study. That’s if parental support meets their children’s needs—because often, those needs are real.

Hands-on parenting is particularly important for students who are the first in their families to attend post-secondary school, says a 2012 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

How my parent set me up for success

“My parents encouraged me to go to summer camp [as a child]. This gave me the confidence to try new things. Summer camp also helped me with social skills so I could easily make friends as an adult.”
—Second-year undergraduate, University of Waterloo, Ontario

“My parents encouraged me to be ambitious and strive to do my best in school and in life. They always encouraged me to try new things, likes sports and music. This independence gave me the freedom and skills necessary to survive when things went wrong.”
—Fifth-year undergraduate, Mount Royal University, Alberta

“My parents made me do all the independent tasks throughout my adolescence so I could easily do them independently when I moved away, such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, getting my own job, and organizing my own life.”
—Second-year undergraduate, Trent University, Ontario

“My mom taught me how to cook and eat healthy foods, so now as a student, I have the knowledge to buy and prepare foods that will help me maintain [my] overall healthfulness. Generally, my mom encourages a healthy lifestyle, and she has taught me to take care of my body and emotional self. I consider these skills very important in my life.”
—Second-year undergraduate, University of Manitoba

“My parents encouraged me to work hard on my homework and school assignments before I went out to have fun. This has helped me prioritize university assignments and better organize my time while I am at school; as a result, I have never missed a deadline for an assignment, and I still was able to go out occasionally and have fun with friends.”
—Third-year undergraduate, University of Guelph, Ontario

“My mother helped me set up my own bank account when I was 10 years old, and early experience with managing finances has, in part, allowed me to complete two degrees without accruing debt.”
—Fourth-year undergraduate, University of Saskatchewan

“My dad taught me to be able to take care of myself. So when help isn't available, I can make it through any problem on my own.”
—Second-year graduate student, Algonquin College, Ontario

Parents who could not always step up

Hands-off parents may lack emotional or behavioural skills, financial means, or other resources.

“My parents were terrible with their money as I was growing up, so I’ve really had to work hard to get a better handle on how to budget my own.”
—Third-year undergraduate, Memorial University of Newfoundland

“I was raised not to fail or make mistakes. This makes me not want to try things that are outside my comfort zone.”
—Fourth-year graduate student, University of Saskatchewan

“I was rarely allowed to go out with my friends back in high school, so I realized that I lack a lot of social skills as a young adult.”
—Second-year undergraduate, Queen’s University, Ontario

“Sometimes I feel bad for not being able to save enough money to be less financially dependent on my family during school. They were always there when I needed help with money, so I continue to depend on them.”
—Second-year undergraduate, Trent University, Ontario

“My parents didn’t let me choose my own path. I always have to consult them, so now I can’t really make my own decisions without doubting myself.”
—Fourth-year undergraduate, Wilfrid Laurier University, Ontario

“My parents pushed me to choose courses or majors based on job prospects or money and not based on interest. It made knowing what I wanted to do confusing.” —Second-year graduate student, Memorial University of Newfoundland

“My parents still never let me go out and do most things on my own or with other people. This has caused me to become very shy when meeting new people and anti-social at times. I feel I cannot become my own person/independent if I cannot do things I want, my way.”
—Fifth-year undergraduate, University of Manitoba

The highs & lows of helicopter parents

“My parents rescue me when I’m upset or overwhelmed, so I’ve never had to deal with a crisis on my own. Gee, that sounds pathetic.”
—Fourth-year undergraduate, Fleming College, Ontario

“My mom is a businesswoman and very good at getting what she wants. Sometimes when I’ve been in trouble, I’ve used her to get out of it.”
—Second-year undergraduate, Trent University, Ontario

“My parents never let me use the stove. I have no idea how to cook.”
—Second-year undergraduate, Nipissing University, Ontario

“My parents helped me with my papers and a few assignments, which now makes it difficult to do it on my own.”
—Second-year undergraduate, University of Windsor, Ontario

“My parents chose my major in university, and now I feel I should have followed my own heart.”
—Fourth-year undergraduate, Memorial University of Newfoundland

“My mother always tried to plan my outfits. Sometimes I feel like people won’t talk to me because of how I dress.”
—Fourth-year undergraduate, University of Waterloo, Ontario

“My parents forced me to go to university right after high school because college wasn’t good enough, and I don’t know if that was the right choice for me.”
—Graduate student, St. Lawrence College, Ontario

What tasks do you not feel prepared to handle?

Source: Student Health 101 survey, March 2014.

In our survey, students said they were unprepared for certain demands. They most commonly cited:

Taxes
Personal finances
Student loans
Health insurance
Medical appointments
Car troubles
Choosing major/courses
Cooking

“I was never taught how to handle my own finances independently, so I commonly call my parents to inquire about money, taxes, loans, etc.”
—Fifth-year undergraduate, Missouri University of Science and Technology

7 steps to a budget made easy: Credit Counselling Society

In what situations do you call home for support?

Problem & percentage who admit to calling home

Financial struggles — 61%
Physical health issue — 40%
Emotional health issue — 37%
Choosing a class or major — 33%
Domestic tasks, e.g., laundry or cooking —31%
Need job or internship — 29%
Bad grade or missed deadline — 23%
End of a close relationship — 16%
Difficulty meeting people or making friends — 13%
Reprimanded by faculty or administration — 3%
Arrested or other legal trouble — 1%

Source: Student Health 101 survey, March 2014

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